J: Hello, El?
E: Yeah it's me.
J: I read what you've been saying.
E: and why are you calling me?
J: Are you alright?
E: What do you mean? About being ill? Well no I'm feeling pretty bad but I'll get better.
J: well yes that, but the other stuff, about missing your best friend.
E: I do.
J: Is it me you're talking about?
E: Of course it is.
J: But we can't be like that anymore El, you know that.
E: Be like what John? Friends? It doesn't make sense that we can't be friends, we always were, as well as everything else.
J: you can't be just a normal friend though.
E: I know that, but surely whatever I can be is better than whatever I am now. You hate me. I never thought that would happen.
J: I don't hate you, I'm angry at you.
E: Why John? I don't understand. I know that night of the party was bad, for both of us... I don't see what I did as any worse than the way you behaved.
J: What exactly am I supposed to have done? You embarrassed me, deliberately humiliated me in front of my friends.
E: John the way I see it the exact same thing could be said of you. We'll never agree.
J: Then we can't be friends.
E: Your friends have to agree with you 100% of the time then?
J: don't be stupid.
E: I'm not... you wouldn't let one argument stop you being friends with anyone else... why me?
J: it's not just one argument though is it? It's plenty.
E: Yeah, we've both been rubbish, both made mistakes and both treated each other badly. When it boils down to it, ignoring the practicalities, do you actually want to be my friend? On any level?
E: that night you said you didn't. That's why I was so hurt. I don't want you back John, I'm not using our friendship as a way to make things difficult for you... you have such a poisoned view of who I am... where did that come from?
J: what do you mean?
E: The way you think of me now, what you think I'm like. I know how you've spoken of me, and I know they're words of anger but they're so different from how I have ever treated you. I don't understand.
J: Who's been telling you stuff?
E: John that's not important... why did you call? If you don't want to talk why did you call.
J: because you're saying stuff about me to everyone.
E: No I'm not... I'm talking about how I feel anonymously on the Internet. I have talked about us to the very minimum with our friends I swear... and I understand if you haven't. I was angry at what I was hearing at first but it's passed now.
J: what have you heard:
E: John it doesn't matter, true or not, I'm over it.
J: you always say that.
E: John it's been months since we've spoken, I have a boyfriend now, I have a whole world that you're not part of, I'm over it. The fact that I'm happy now doesn't make me miss having you as a friend any less. That's all I have meant by what I have written on my journal. You should be flattered not angry. What do you want me to say... you haven't answered my question.
J: what question?
E: Do you want to be friends with me.
E: Can you let whatever anger you've got towards me at the moment go? So we can start anew?
J: I don't know.
E: well I am willing to, as long as we stop finger-pointing, blaming each other and bitching about what's been said and done... we've had enough time apart to put that behind us haven't we?
J: I don't know.
E: (short silence) well... when you do know, and if you can. Call me. I miss having you as a friend... we always thought that whatever happened we'd be friends, and I know you hate to be wrong as much as I do. I don't expect a miracle John. I think if we both just stop all the nonsense between us then we could get things back to the way they were before summer... that day in the coffee house? When I went and hung out at yours after? We got on so well, we talked about everything and we were both comfortable. I have a new boyfriend, you have Sam, surely all the us stuff can be put aside?
J: yeah you always say that but it's you who gets upset when I don't pay you enough attention or act a little cold.
E: I get upset when you mistreat me. I can hide that as much as possible. It's inevitable that I'm going to take things more personally than your average mate because I've invested more emotion in you than your average mate... it works both ways john, you'd have never got as angry with anyone else as you have with me. We've discussed this before. I can't make you change and if it fails again then it fails. I want to try.
J: well I think I do to. You've got to understand how this all looks to Sam though El. I've got to take her into account.
E: I can talk to her? I know she likes me, Beth has told me she does, and I like her... if you're worried she's going to think I want you back then let me talk to her. That's all I can do.
J: I don't know El.
E: look I miss you john, it's up to you now... call me when you know.