Learning To Love You More




Assignment #53
Give advice to yourself in the past.

Sabina Margaret A.
Brooklyn, New York USA



advice to "christina margaret" - age six
1. tell your parents, you hate the name "christina" and being called "chrissy" and you would like to legally change your name to sabina margaret, or atleast go by "maggie"
2. don't wait until you're 23 to make the switch, it will only confuse everyone and you will be called my four different things for the rest of your life and when you call your family that you rarely speak to, you won't know what to call yourself over the telephone wire. and even though you write letters and make them things, they will still be confused when you say, "it's maggie" and you will have to repeat, "it's christina"
advice to "christina" - age eleven
3. go with your dad.
4. get on the telephone, after he left in the middle of the night and tell him you want to live there with him and that you're not afraid to start at a new school and that you will have friends if you move and they will be better than the ones you had in middle / high school anyway and you won't do drugs or skip school or stop reading or want to kill yourself because it hurts so much inside because of the way everyone does or doesn't treat you.
go with your dad.
5. make him take you to philadelphia with him, instead of leaving you in ohio with a mother who at the time, was incapable of caring for you. even if she yelled and cried and begged or told you she wouldn't love you anymore because you "loved your father more" go with your dad. miss out on all of the years of being verbally abused at home and at school. miss out on your first love that broke your heart and took your virginity while he was cheating on you with a cheerleader from another school, that was older and had a car and didn't have braces or clumsy awkward behavior.
6. go with your dad, if you do, you won't become an adult that can barely look anyone in the eye from age 18 - 20 because you are so beaten down and neglected you don't know who you are. and i can't say for sure, but maybe you won't grow up looking for love all of the time when it is not there
7. but in case you do stay with your mom...in case your dad won't actually take you because he is too depressed and sick and trying to get better, here are some tips......
age 16
8. when he breaks up with you you can cry for one week and obsess for two but then you have to stop. don't have your friends drive you by his house, he knows your doing it and one day he is going to actually be home and catch you and you will be humiliated, and although you will laugh so hard you pee your pants in your friends car, you be even more horrified after that happens. you are laughing because you're uncomfortable and scared...which is the way you will deal with your problems later in life if you don't just face it. cry. obsess. move on.
9. oh also, don't sleep with his friends or like, anyone that will sleep with you at a party it will not make him like you. it will not make him like you at all actually and everyone else will talk about you even more.
age 17
10. don't do drugs. don't skip school. don't drop out of every club you've ever been in and barely make it through the school days. do your homework and keep reading and stay in and be and get better grades. stay on the honor roll. don't be so angry all of the time and when your mom's boyfriend is abusive to her, call the cops, don't be afraid of how she will treat you if you do, just do it...it will make you stronger and it will make you realize that no one should treat anyone so poorly and that everyone deserves something better even if they don't see it just right then. this will come in handy when you're 24 and he beats the shit out of you and you actually feel "bad" for him even though, you are the one on crutches when you lie in court about what "happened"
11. also, stop throwing stuff around in your bedroom and having little fits. don't hurt yourself because someone else is hurting you emotionally.
age 18
12. don't sleep with him because he is drunk and will act like it didn't happen the next day when he gets back together with the girl he broke up with you for in the first place.
age 19
13. when you finally pass your driver's test, don't wear that pink shirt with big hoop earrings and smile so big like that. you're going to have it revoked two weeks before you turn 21 and you will be stuck with that ugly photograph where you look like someone's mother and everyone will say, "is that really...?" and you will have to show bartender's the gap between your front teeth to prove it and carry around a social security card and anything with your name on it so they believe you're not using a fake ID to get in to the shitty dance club in philadelphia.
14. also, don't wear so much polyester and stop cutting your hair so short and dying it so red. look up when you're walking around every once in awhile. have some confidence in yourself okay? because, even though you've been through some junk, you're still really nice and polite and kind and sweet and have a weird humour that only people who have been through some junk or are kinda smart can identify with. and maybe it's not going to be super easy, but people like you generally and you have to trust that you're good enough. you are good. enough.
age 21
15. stop drinking 40's and taking pills.
16. also, don't treat that one boy as poorly as you did. he's a nice kind good guy that will always be nice to you. so be nice to him and let him down easier and don't lead him on because he doesn't deserve that. he's nice and kind to you and years later will still be just as nice and kind.
advice to sabina margaret - age 24
17. don't feel bad for him he's going to break up with you at the circus anyway over you spilling a beer and you're going to walk out and leave him there and not feel bad for him anymore. you're going to realize that while, yes, you were in love with him more than you have ever felt love, that some of the stuff was total crap and you deserve better.
age 25
18. don't spend the year taking medication and thinking and writing about him. also, don't try to kill yourself. that's dumb.
age 26
19. take it easy and be on time.