Learning To Love You More




Assignment #70
Say goodbye.

Los Angeles, California USA



Dear so and so,
I am 28 years old, but I am about to do something really stupid. I'm about to admit to you the worst thing I could admit to you, that I haven't quite moved on since we broke up YEARS ago.
I am not asking for anything, but more am hoping that by telling you, the relief of getting things off my chest helps me move on.
I know this seems crazy because so much time has passed, but I think in my jumping to be your friend and then JUMPING into several intense relationships back to back with people (not that you wanted to know that, but to help ease my embarrassment in telling you all of this, please bare with me.), I haven't really actually gotten you/our relationship out of my system.
So it occurred to me that maybe I should just share this with you, that I know, I haven't quite moved on and then just kind of cut off all contact with you.
It's like the subject line says, WORST IDEA EVER.
So I'm attaching 9 pages of journal entries from the past 3 years...since we broke up. You don't have to read them, but I needed to let you know what I had been thinking all of this time. Some of them are just descriptions of dreams I had. Some of them are in the form of letters to myself. None of them especially make sense.
I am not trying to create drama with you or your head or your life, but trying to just be totally honest and move on once and for all. It's not that I think I can ever forget you, it's just that I don't know how to get the ghost of our relationship's past out of my system without telling you about it.
And I can't imagine you having any other choice but to cut off all contact with me after receiving this email and these pages. It's totally fucked up, but I just need to move on and be honest.
I hope you can forgive me for sending this. I hope your wife can forgive me for sending this. I won't bother you ever again. I just needed to get this off my chest. The entries are dated and are not the kind of things you share with people, so I hope you don't show them to anyone. In fact, if you choose to read them, I hope you delete them or something afterwards.
I know you have a great life. I have a great life too. But there's this little part of me that hasn't been able to move on and I just want to have a relationship with someone where I don't compare them to you, don't look for the moments, they remind me of you, etc.
All my best,