ASSIGNMENTS:
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Melissa Allen
Phoenix, Arizona USA
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REPORTS:
PREVIOUS NEXT
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Submitted to AP, The Onion, The State Press
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
HEARTBROKEN GIRL ATTEMPTS TALKING TO EX-BOYFRIEND DESPITE NEGATIVE SIDE-AFFECTS
30 FEBRUARY 2008, Tempe, Arizona
Local girl and artist, 23, attempts talking to ex-boyfriend, also 23 and artist, to tell him how shitty he makes her feel. It's been nearly nine months since separation of the bestfriendship / relationship and naive girl imagines that things might get better and she won't have to miss her ex-bestfriend for much longer. At 11:03 pm, said boy called girl on her cell phone to explain why things have been so awkward. Girl is forced to admit that after he returned a blanket on loan to him, she slept with her arms wrapped around it because it still smelled like him but the next evening found out he slept with a third party, a graduate student, with blanket involved. After crawling into bed at four in the morning and looking forward to his comfortable smell still in the blanket, the connection of information she learned just an hour prior hit her like a ton of bricks. A violent illness followed in the bathroom and girl spent the next few hours in a fitful sleep woken by tears and snot running down her face.
While their relationship lasted for three and a half years and were best friends for four years prior to that, since separation the two artists have been awkwardly interacting, making every moment uncomfortable as they switch from calling each other in tears to ignoring when the other is a room. Friends have been forced to pick sides because of the uncomfortable nature of artists meeting.
Girl with a broken heart is relocating in the near future and is looking forward to knowing that ex-best friend will no longer be calling her and can blame it on a new phone number rather than him not caring enough to check in every once in awhile.
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