ASSIGNMENTS:
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Lisa Piece-A-Pie
Chicago, Illinois
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REPORTS:
PREVIOUS NEXT
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To Lisa, at age 7:
1. Tell your brother to go fuck himself and you're going to play Mario and there's nothing he can do about it.
2. Wear clothes more around the house.
3. Stop going to church. You will stop going in a few years anyway and you're just wasting your time. And your Sunday-school crush will turn around and try to fuck your friends in a few years anyway. Ditch him now before it gets worse.
4. Mom is going to make you stop taking piano lessons. You need encouragement. Keep going. While you're at it, tell her how badly you want to take ballet lessons.
5. Go visit Grandma. She only lives a few blocks away. Ask her to tell you stories about your family.
6. Tell mom she's pretty. She needs to hear it. Tell Aunt Kathy and Aunt Cate too. They will become like your second mom and older sister and very important to you in a few years.
7. In an odd occurrence of timing, you're going to try to pass your gluestick to Joanna Pisterzi as Melissa Garcia walks between you both and your hand goes up her skirt. She's going to look at you like you're an asshole and call you gay. Tell her she's a dumb bitch and should look where she's going. It's ok to be gay too.
8. Turn on channel 52. This is called MTV, and though it will suck in a few years, you should be watching it now because it's way better than that jesus rock shit mom plays.
9. Be nice to Vicky. She's your true friend.
10. Dad smokes alot of pot in the garage. That's what that smell is. He probably shouldn't do it as much as he does but oh well. Tell mom to chill and everyone has their vices.
11. Tell mom to stop hanging out with Carol Hamaan. That bitch is crazy.
12. When mom throws your glow worm in the garbage and your copy of Sleeping Beauty, tell her she's insane. Dig them out of the garbage and give them to Dad. He'll hide them in the garage for you.
13. Don't get baptized at that crazy church. There's a good chance god doesn't exist.
14. You're going to pee in your snowsuit at the rec center if you let those yappy girls cut you in line. Speak up for yourself.
15. Don't step on the ants. This kills them... the daddy-long-legs too. You'll become aware of your own mortality in a year and this will make you very sad.
16. And last, do whatever the fuck you want. Don't let people tell you that you're weird, or too quiet, or try to make you feel bad for having a pure heart. You will realize those people ended up right where they started.}
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