Manalapan, New Jersey USA
Advice to Kelly M. at age 4
1. Don't be sad that he told you he meant to kiss another girl instead of you, he will throw last night's stew all over the table in a few days anyway and then you will think he's gross.
Advice to Kelly M. at age 5-7
2. You're going to need to get over it, Ralph Macchio is never going to move back to New Jersey and date a girl in elementary school.
Advice to Kelly M. at age 8
3. It's cool to be a groupie, but when you grow up you probably want to stay away from boys in Guns n Roses cover bands.
Advice to Kelly M. at age 9
4. You may think Vinny is cute now, but tails will go out of style and unlike the New Kids on the Block they will never make a successful comeback.
Advice to Kelly M. at age 10-13
5. Don't be sad that he doesn't notice you. You will realize later that he reached his peak of attractiveness in middle school and will undergo a sharp descent into looking like the missing link.
Advice to Kelly M. at age 14
6. Alaina was right to stay away from Mike, he will lie to you with those big green eyes and break your heart over and over again.
Advice to Kelly M. at age 15
7. Let Jessie have him and date his friend instead, he understands you better if you would just pay attention.
Advice to Kelly M. at age 16
8. Trust your dreams, they are telling you the truth. Run away from him and don't waste the year crying in the dark over him.
Advice to Kelly M. at age 17
9. Hurry up and get over it, there are many a cute boy that you are ignoring in the wake of your heartbreak who would love a girl who likes to play video games and mosh during shows at Birch Hill.
Advice to Kelly M. at age 18
10. Stay away from the crew team and don't lose so much of yourself when your falling, it will be harder to get it back later on.
Advice to Kelly M. at age 19
11. Your were right not to pick him instead, you will find out years later that it would never have worked anyway.
Advice to Kelly M. at age 20
12. It's okay to let him go.
Advice to Kelly M. at age 21
13. You should listen to Alaina again and stay away from Rich, the dark corners of the Knight Club and basement parties on Central.
Advice to Kelly M. at age 22-24
14. Pseudo dating is the not the same as dating, stop wasting your time in the friend zone it's counterproductive as is your interest in anyone named after literary characters.
Advice to Kelly M. at age 24
15. Stop making out with Thomas's friends, it will make tailgating uncomfortable when you've kissed the entire flip cup line up.
Advice to Kelly M. at age 25
16. Brooklyn boys are just as douchey as the ones in Hoboken and their jeans are probably smaller and tighter than yours. ( You should learn now, that isn't ever going to be acceptable.)
Advice to Kelly M. at age 26
17. You don't have to date the past to know that you never really had a future.
Advice to Kelly M. at age 27
18. Don't leave, stop pretending that you don't care, don't be afraid to tell the truth at least to your heart.