ASSIGNMENTS:
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Katie L
Bay Area, California USA
Email Katie
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REPORTS:
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Advice to Katie in 10th Grade:
1. You're far too insecure and unhappy to be attending high school with a bunch of kids who used to look up to your father as a teacher. You're dad's not actually set on the idea of you graduating from PAUSD. I know this is kind of confusing because he used to be and you both are surrounded by a lot of kids whose parents have totally rigid expectations of them, but your father's not really like that. He doesn't care where you get your diploma, he just wants you to be well-educated and happy- and independent. He may've tried to follow you to high school at the end of 8th grade, but he's changed his attitude about his behavior towards you and now he (really) believes you're competant and intelligent and he expects that you shouldn't need to ask him for permission or guidance every time you need to to make a decision concerning your education. He won't actually tell you this, but I suppose the fact that he's removed the broken 'college' record from your morning routine ought to serve as some kind of clue.
2. You need to tell your dad that you feel uncomfortable around the other kids. You know he's not unacquainted witht he fact that you often have difficulty understanding your role in social situations, and while he used to find your behavior sort of zany and embarassing when you were a child, he wouldn't belittle you (or even think badly of you) now if he knew it was causing you any real misery. Spend more time talking openly with him and less time trying to read his mind, because he's changing and your head is still stuck in middle school.
3. If you don't come to terms with your inability to move forward in Palo Alto until the middle of the year when you start to feel completely wasted and like the whole year's been nothing but a bust and you just want to stay home, rest up, and resume next year as a sophomore in Santa Clara, follow your heart. 5 years of high school is not unheard of and a college won't necessarily reject your application if extenuating circumstances prevented you from being able to put forth your best one year. You know you're immature, so you only really stand to benefit from holding yourself back. Your dad won't be ashamed of you or try to convince you to do anything that isn't healthy; he didn't mean to discourage you from trying when he told you it would be difficult to convince a school attendent to let you repeat a year you'd already more than half completed. Talk to your guidance counselor and feel free to lay your cluelessness on the line; she won't necessarily expect you to know better just because your father's a teacher.
4. If you're really upset about the 'depression' diagnosis and your parents' subsequentÊ pressure to have you medicated, talk to your guidance counselor. Neither she nor your father will think it's inappropriate for you to discuss personal/family issues with her. You're really tanking now, so stop being cautious about who you ask for help, otherwise you're going to wind up learning the hard way, and trust me, it'll suck complete ass. You've spent too much time in doctor's offices as it is to be really immune to this sort of predicament, so do NOT see a psychiatrist for a second opinion. You won't be treated like a mature person or have your questions answered with any degree of realism (doctors actually know very little about these new anti-depressants, in spite of what they claim); they'll just listen to your parents' descriptions of your well-being and hand you a prescription and this will totally solidify their belief that you are 'mentally ill for life'. If this happens, do see your guidance counselor immediately. She won't take a doctor's word for law; she probably understands better than either you or your parents how common it is for kids to be treated with medication for problems that stem more from environmental factors than biologial chemistry.
5. If you never liked the way your mother behaved around men, don't follow her example by making your life more emotionally stressful than it needs to be. This may leave you clueless as to how to comport yourself, but trust me: 'tabula rasa' is better than what you learned from her. You're no where near as damaged as she is, even if you did manage to absorb her feelings of worthlessness. I think you'll find most of your confusion and self-esteem issues will dissipate the second you stop going to school with your father, and believe me, he didn't love her because of her emotional fragility, but in spite of it. You're a very strong and independent person, so you need to find a way to distance yourself from your family if that part of you is ever to emerge. Don't be afraid to return to Santa Clara; it won't be nearly as bad as it once was because you're capable of independence and of learning from other people's examples now that you're older.
6. And just to clarify your perception of yourself, you avoided him because you were totally immature. Period. The only way you an ever make it up to him is to be true to yourself, because the last thing he needs right now is the revelation that the person he thought he liked is actually really fucked up. You're not, but if you stick around and take Paxil, you will be, so escape that ridiculous situation and go where you can be comfortable.
7. Run out and buy Elliott Smith's 'XO' if you feel the need to commiserate in private. You'll really love this record right now.
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