HELLO ASSIGNMENTS DISPLAYS LOVE GRANTS REPORTS SELECTIONS OLIVERS BOOK

 ASSIGNMENTS:

  

 

Assignment #53
 Give advice to yourself in the past.
Jenny
Minneapolis, Minnesota USA

REPORTS:

PREVIOUS NEXT
  
Age 15-16:
1. Obey your mother and attend Driver's Education NOW otherwise you will be doomed to a life of total dependency upon your boyfriend at the time for transportation. If you do not, you will be very restricted and lonely later on when you move to Bum Fuck Nowhere, MN with him.
2. When you go to boarding school, be yourself. Do not conform to the avant garde and often ridiculous behaviors of the kid artists around you. It will take a long while for you to remember what you were like before that, if ever at all. I'll tell you one thing, though, you were a whole lot nicer.
3. Do not go to Gala/Prom with Bekah. You are not a lesbian. I repeat. You are not a lesbian. Your friends may be lesbians, but this is not indicative that you are a lesbian as well. Bekah will eventually cheat on you with one of your best friends, Laura, while you are sleeping beside her. This indirectly leads to a tragicomic chain reaction that results in you being abducted by a 30 year old thug who will rape you in his studio apartment. This will also get you kicked out of your elite boarding school that you fought so hard to get into.
4. Do not let drunken Sarah anywhere near your hair with scissors. Bad things happen.
5. Do not be receptive to Jason's advances. He is a passive failure dressed in a Gucci business suit. He may be significantly older than you, but that does not make him more intelligent. He will be a luke warm regret that plagues you for a long while. Do not tell him you love him. It isn't good practice to lie about those sorts of things. It'll also lead to an engagement you feel emotionally and financially obligated and trapped in. You will also lose some of the most entertaining and stimulating friends you may ever meet.
6. Pay more attention to Chris when attending your boarding school. You will fall in love with him several years later and only vaguely remember him as an intimidating cool upperclassman. It would've been nice to have more of an impression of him than that.
7. Don't smoke so much pot. It makes your complexion greasy and gives you love handles from excessive consumption of fast food, gas station food, and ramen. It also makes you anxious. Face the facts: weed doesn't agree with your already hyper kinetic personality. You won't listen to me, but oh you should.
Age 17-18:
8. Fight like hell when you are declined readmission to your elite fine arts boarding school, because you are termed a "safety hazard." March up to Daniel Kinsberg and articulate to him that you were raped, which is not your fault. If that does not work, tell him he's a Republican fuck falsely dressed in liberal charity and he needs to resign NOW, not in four months.
9. Stop believing that being raped was your fault. It's such a helpless cliche.
10. Come clean to your parents that you were raped. They'll support you. Stop lying and telling people you don't remember or you've forgotten.
11. Do not starve yourself down to 68 pounds because you are unable to express how victimized or depressed you are. Whittling your body fat down does not solve anything. It will make you hate fat free ranch dressing for the rest of your life. Also, it will negatively affect your success at the National Writng Conference, which could have been much better had you the ability to form coherent sentences. It will hurt and mystify everyone that watches you struggle. It will make them lose trust in your capabilities to function in a healthy and stable way. It also legally forces you to admit yourself to an Eating Disorder Inpatient Program that steals a good portion of your senior year in high school.
12. Stop experimenting sexually. YOU ARE NOT A LESBIAN. And threesomes lead to animosity if one or more involved have feelings for those involved. Also, sexual experimentation is healthy to a point but not when you feel degraded and weigh 70 pounds.
13. Do not move in with Jason. In fact, you need to break up with him. You are passionless and unhappy with this man.
14. Don't even think about credit cards. Run away.
Age 19-20
15. When you meet Chris, do not cheat on Jason with him. Gracefully exit the relationship with Jason and respectfully love Chris. Chris could have been the love of your life if you had not cheated on him so excessively. Do not cheat on Chris. Long distance is a mother fucker, but control your impulses. Or call it quits so as to preserve any future possibilities with him.
16. Do not join the sorority. It will suck your soul out and replace it with a lacy mass produced Valentine that dates frat boys who are surprised you know how to properly spell. It will introduce you to cheap watery beer and an array of different giggles you use in place of conversation.
17. Stop using poor loving good boys who fall head over heels for you to fill the absence that you've created around yourself. It will not work. In fact, it will only intensify it. And it's selfishly mean.
18. Do not move back home for Chris. Things don't work out.
Age 21
19. Do not date Wayne. Go with your gut instinct. He is too old for you and his name is lame.
20. Do not date Kevin. He is a social climbing idiot who will proclaim that he isn't racist; he fucks asians.
21. Do not sleep with Chris' best friend, Dustin. Twice. He will never forgive you.
22. Do not punch your friends on your 21st birthday. Poor form.
23. Call guys back if you decide not to continue dating them. Otherwise, it'll haunt you in uncomfortable situations where they approach and confront you about why you've disappeared or what they did wrong as they really liked you. You will have to perpetuate a whole slew of lies and feel like absolute shit.
24. DO NOT DATE OR SLEEP WITH BARTENDERS. You get free drinks now, but sooner or later they'll spit in your gin and tonic.
25. Do not drive away from a parked late 80s Buick that you've just hit in your crappy Saturn. It was an accident. Accidents happen. Hit and runs, however, cost a fuck load.
26. Visit your dad more often when he is in the ICU after he has a heart attack driving to work. He will die 2 weeks later and you only saw him 4 times. I know you work a lot. I also know it was incredibly difficult to deal with the possible mortality of your dear old dad. But grow the fuck up and be the daughter he deserves. If you do not, this will be the biggest regret you'll ever have thus far in life.
27. Do not date Eric. He is your boss. He is too old for you. He cheated on his girlfriend of 7 years to be with you. That behavior does not deserve a badge, but a swift and emotionless exit. This is not the type of situation you want to become more involved with. You will never let it go. Trust your instinct and be brave about your father's death. If you date him, it will only lead you into a series of drunken unnecessary fights, confusing sex, distrust, strained work relations, heartbreak, and hatred. You will not remain friends with him as previously discussed. You will lose a good friend. He will go back to his girlfriend. It will not last.