Learning To Love You More




Assignment #52
Write the phone call you wish you could have.

Lost Girl
New York, New York USA



Lost Girl: Hello?
Hotel Guy: Hello, Lost Girl?
Lost Girl: This is.
Hotel Guy: (pause) This is Hotel Guy.
Lost Girl: Um, hi. I didn't recognize your number. It's been almost a year.
Hotel Guy: I know.
Lost Girl: What's going on?
Hotel Guy: I want to tell you some things I should have said when I dumped you so cavalierly last Valentine's Day.
Lost Girl: I don't understand. What is it, and why now? Are you feeling guilty?
Hotel Guy: I want to tell you that I was afraid to keep seeing you because I felt I would fall in love with you, but I made it seem like it was because I disliked you.
Lost Girl: Why would you do such a thing?
Hotel Guy: Because I am a coward. I want to tell you the whole truth of the game I was playing with you.
Lost Girl: I'm listening.
Hotel Guy: First of all, I was attracted to you, but that was partly because I was doing a lot of cocaine, alcohol, shrooms...
Lost Girl: Anything else?
Hotel Guy: Ecstasy. Insomnia. I was on a self-destructive binge. I was reeling from the beginnings of a breakup with a long-term girlfriend whose existence I completely concealed from you. I lied and told you I'd just gotten out of a serious relationship and wasn't looking for another one. At the time I pursued you, I was still seeing her. I was angry and I needed to fuck someone, just to hurt someone else. And you were so sweet and bright and full of hope, I needed to pass on my poison and crush your optimism.
Lost Girl: Very noble. So you seduced me for sport?
Hotel Guy: Yes. But then I realized that although I was not available for a relationship-
Lost Girl: Oh, please.
Hotel Guy: --okay, that I was cheating on my still-girlfriend by sleeping with you, I realized that you and I had a cosmic connection that was a complete surprise at completely the wrong time in my life, but the right time in yours; that I would have really wanted you for my girlfriend and maybe even my wife; that I did a shitty, selfish thing, and you didn't deserve the arrogant, infantile rejection I put you through. I was suffering, and I put it all on you. I seduced you, charmed you, made love to you, dumped you, and treated you like you were pathetic and desperate, when all you wanted was a deserved explanation.
Lost Girl: Then I went surfing in Costa Rica for 2 weeks. And when I got back...
Hotel Guy: I pulled a Jeckyll-and-Hyde. You'd thought we were still going out. I suddenly acted like I hated you and had broken up with you, which I had not done. No definite breakup conversation was ever had. I literally walked away from you at work when I saw you coming up the block. For months and up until this moment, I wouldn't even say hello to you, much less answer the two calls you made to me, asking to meet and talk. I hated myself. I lied and told you that I had started seeing another woman just while you were away, but that was my girlfriend you saw when we bumped into each other at the bar the night after you came home from Costa Rica. You were out with our friends, and you caught me on a date. I should have come clean with you. I can see what a gem you are, and I was very cruel to you. If you hadn't caught me, I never would have told you anything. And although we work at the same hotel, I began treating you with hostility. I hated seeing you and the horrible heartbreak I caused you.
Lost Girl: I don't know what to say. I've had nothing but questions for a whole year. I had fallen in love with you, and you denied our connection, and you threw me away. You were the end to my 6-year celibacy.
Hotel Guy: I was being a fucked-up whore. Incidently, that's why I called so many women 'whores' in your presence. Because I felt like one.
Lost Girl: Are you still with your girlfriend?
Hotel Guy: Yes.
Lost Girl: silence...
Hotel Guy: silence...
Lost Girl: The whole time you were pursuing me, you were simultaneously pushing me away and saying you did not want a girlfriend. That was your whole deal: 'I'm not available for a relationship right now. I just got out of one.'
Hotel Guy: I lied to you. I felt guilty for cheating on my girlfriend, and guiltier when I discovered you were the real thing. I was in no position to pursue you. It was entirely my fault. I started the whole flirtation and you were receptive. I played you.
Lost Girl: So, now what? What do you hope will happen from here?
Hotel Guy: I hope you will forgive me and free yourself for someone who really deserves you.
Lost Girl: What am I supposed to do with all of this misspent love I have for you?
Hotel Guy: What can I do to take away the hurt?
Lost Girl: You can tell your girlfriend that you cheat on her, and let her dump you and break your heart into a million tiny pieces, just like mine. You can leave the hotel job so I don't have to see your cowardly, lying face every day of my life and be reminded that you thought I was a cheap toy. I want my dignity back, and that is impossible to regain when I see you looking so happy at work. All I ever wanted was to be loved and have a boyfriend, and I believed deep in my heart that you could become that one for me. When we first started seeing each other, you were a miracle. I discovered what it meant to hope for love. I am the good one. Yet, you are the one who ended up happily with a girlfriend you claimed not to be seeking, and I am alone.
Hotel Guy: Life's not fair. I made a huge mistake and you were so innocent. I feel so deeply sorry that I killed all of your hope.
Lost Girl: Your apology is irrelevant at this point.
Hotel Guy: What if I owned up to my feelings for you, broke up with my girlfriend, and you gave me a second chance?
Lost Girl: If you did that to her, you'd do the same to me, in time. Besides that, I don't want to build anything with someone who treats others so hatefully.
Hotel Guy: It makes my heart sad to hear your disillusionment. I want you to have real love.
Lost Girl: You have no heart. Why do you care whether I find love?
Hotel Guy: I'm in love with you. I see you every day, putting on a brave face and being so graceful despite the heartbreak I have caused you, and my heart hurts. Can you give me a second chance, please?
Lost Girl: No. I deserve better. And now that I finally have the closure I have needed for a year, I am over you. It's so hard, because my gut still tells me you were The One. But I have to live in reality from now on, and I will never again allow you or anyone else to treat me with any less than complete respect, love, and kindness. (click)