Learning To Love You More




Assignment #52
Write the phone call you wish you could have.

Anne H.
Lawrence, Kansas USA



me: hello?
j: ...
me: hello?
j: ...hi.
me: oh. hi.
j: ...
me: ...what's up?
j: i don't really know... what to say about all this. ...i know it's been a long time since it happened, but... i still have things i really need to say.
me: that's great. i mean, i'd love to hear anything, really. anything you have to say, i'll listen to. really. really. please.
j: ...i...you really hurt me a lot. a lot.
me: ...i know.
j: i don't know if you do. and i'm not trying to be...a baby or something, but... no one has ever done anything like that to me before.
me: ...
j: it was probably the worst emotional experience of my life.
me: i know. there's no way for me to really express how much i know, because it'll sound patronizing and coddling and inappropriate, but i know, i really know and you don't know how many times i've wanted to talk to you about everything but when you don't have any good news to report or you don't really know if anything good will come of it at all you just stop yourself over and over. and i don't know, i've never seen you act the way like you do to me to anyone... and it really scares me and i think you know that. i think that's what you needed to get from me.
j: ...yeah, maybe. i couldn't have you being nice to me. like, it's like when i said that i couldn't have you being nice to me... i just couldn't deal with that confusion, i just had to leave you alone.
me: i know. i'm crying really hard right now. i really miss you.
j: ...you do?
me: yeah. but we both knew the whole time that we couldn't really do anything together. we're both completely untied and knotted at the same time and all of our strings were all knotty and it was such a badness.
j: i know.
me: ...i'm taking deep breaths to stop the crying because i feel really good right now.
j: you do? you're crying.
me: i know but... you called me and we're at least talking. it's been pretty much a year with nothing. and we were so close, really. i just wish we could go back to that
j: no, we can't. you know that.
me: i know, okay? i know, but i just mean being friends. but i'm well aware that we can't really do that at all. and i really hate that. i feel like we are good people and we can deal with everything else in time. we're both with other people now. i'm not saying this to hurt your feelings, but i'm happy. i've seen you around being happy, too.
j: i'm happy.
me: so, maybe we'll get there sometime. but i'm not going to pressure you or anything.
j: ok. ...i'm probably still going to be weird and quiet around you.
me: i know. but at least we talked.
j: yeah. ...i miss you.
me: i miss you too.
j: ...i'm gonna go.
me: ok.
j: bye.
me: bye.