Learning To Love You More




Assignment #52
Write the phone call you wish you could have.

Portland, Oregon USA



Me: Hi
Him: Hi
Me: I was so afraid to hear your voice. I'm trembling.
Him: Why?
Me: I wasn't ready I guess. It was like when we first met in person. I was scared. I almost didn't want to.
Him: You didn't want to?
Me: Not really. I wanted to up until the moment before. I realized then that I didn't really have feelings as strong as I had thought. I'm too young to have to stay with the same person forever.
Him: Oh... Well, if there's love, then...
Me: No, you don't understand. You say if the feelings are strong then the relationship can make it through anything. There aren't strong feelings anymore.
Me: I stayed with you for five years because I was scared of my own feelings.
Him: ...
Me: And I hope you understand and don't take it personally now that we're apart.
Him: How can I not?
Me: You're a wonderful person. You take care of everyone. I can only hope to be that selfless when I grow up... eventually.
Him: You are grown up.
Me: I made you think that. But I'm not. I'm a stupid kid. Now, I need to get to the real reason why I needed to talk to you.
Him: Ok...
Me: The last time we spoke I wasn't able to express this. I didn't know how to put it in words.
Him: ...
Me: For five years I've had doubts about my feelings for you. I realize now that I've been in love with the idea of you. I've been chasing a fantasy. But you're a person. A human being. And I'm not ready for that yet. I loved how you made me feel when I was alone. I'll always love the idealized version of you. But I don't love you. I never really did.
Him: How is that possible?
Me: Never underestimate the power of denial. Remember that line? From American Beauty?
Him: Yes.
Me: Anyway, I wanted to get my true feelings out. Not just the sugarcoated version that I expressed to you last week. And now that you know that there will never again be an "us," we can both move on. It's hard to believe that we went from what we were to what we are now, isn't it?
Him: I'll still wait for you. I still love you with all my heart.
Me: I'm sorry you're wasting your love on me.
Him: I'm not wasting my love.
Me: Well, I'll never love you back. I don't think I'm ready to be friends. So... Goodbye.