ASSIGNMENTS:
|
|
Katie Fiorino
Illinois, USA
|
|
REPORTS:
PREVIOUS NEXT
|
|
After I die, I would like to be cremated and kept in a jar. Or maybe a pretty vase. Or an eccentric vase, perhaps with an image from a movie I like, or with my favorite lines of poetry painted on it or not. My tastes are in a constant state of flux, and so I can just imagine myself looking upon my urn in the ethereal afterlife (assuming that such a thing exists) and cringing at the things I liked when I was young and corporeal. So, maybe the vase shouldn t have anything special on it. Except for the word Serenity, because it would be an appropriate gift for a dead person, and also it is one of my favorite movie/TV shows (I know, I know, I just made an argument against including my favorite things in my death, but I just can t help myself; besides, its not like anyone else will know what it means after a few generations .)
But, before my ashes are placed in an urn, I think a bit of a celebration is in order. Forget having a funeral, I want a party, and I want it to be a good party. I want 1990s alternative rock music, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, the Beatles, Mozart, Beethoven, Alanis Morrissette, and Matchbox Twenty. There should be an open bar. Also, I want a pi–ata. Perhaps a petting zoo? You know, for the grandchildren. Young kids love llamas. I love llamas, too. I love them mostly because the word Llama is funny to say and spell than because I have any affection for the animal whatsoever. Perhaps I should also have them show a collection of my favorite Monty Python sketches. Included, would be the sketch where John Cleese sings the hilarious song about the dangerous llamas in Spanish.
As the party wraps up, perhaps they could have a book burning. Book burnings are always fun and educational. I plan to write a lot in my lifetime, so the fire could go on for quite sometime. Hopefully, it will inspire dancing. I get annoyed when people are too nervous to dance. Perhaps dance classes should be offered before my death party.
I don t know if I want anyone to speak about me. There will certainly be no praying, as I do not believe in God, but maybe someone can say a few words. I mean, it should at least be explained to the guests of my party that they are there to celebrate my death. Otherwise, people may get confused and start looking for me, and I would not want to offend anyone who came looking for my attention by not showing up (as that will be impossible, due to the fact that I will be quite dead).
After the party, my children and/or other relatives can fight over who gets to keep my urn. They will all enter in a boggle tournament; the first person to reach 100 wins (unless it is Sandor Geiger. He does not get my ashes, no matter how he wins, assuming he outlives me).
After that, I expect to be brought to every major family event. Weddings. Funerals. Birthdays. Baby showers. You name it, I will be there, and ashy. I expect this will be very confusing for children in coming generations, but their parents can just tell them the legend of their crazy great aunt Katie which won t be a legend, so much as a disgruntled person mumbling, oh, you had a crazy great aunt who wrote strange stories and insisted that we bring her ashes to every family event after she died. Rumor is, she ll haunt us otherwise, though I doubt I ll be haunting anyone, assuming I still have a consciousness. What fun is that?
|
|
|
|
|
|
