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Bonnie Bettridge
Guelph, Ontario CANADA
Email Bonnie
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journal entry (december 23/2005):
No one can possibly understand this until they actually live through it. i am such an outsider to others experiences until i meet my own.(of dying) today i saw ella. she is half her physical mass than a few days previous. guant, greying, tearful, weak. she can't raise her arms anymore and complains of trouble swallowing. her lungs are wet, i can hear her chest raise and lower with labourious effort. i sit beside her and listen. i warm my cold hands carefully then hold her warm hand that is closest to mine. her glossy eyes connect with mine and we don't speak for awhile because she sleeps. she tells me of her nightmares, her husband weeps quietly behind our view and leaves the room. we talk about these difficult times and symptoms. her wanting to go outside.
i can see all the signs of her slipping. burying herself deeper and deeper into her emaciation and thin bones...transcending herself from the misery of physical being to the lightness of spiritual being. she actually appears peaceful and relates her feeling of this to me which is nice. as an outsider i sometimes find my job has made death such a formulaic event. certain things evolve and you react to connect those events to the whole person and attempt to lighten the physical/spiritual journey; make it easier. i don't know. some days i feel i have it all wrong but you get on with it.
(ella died the next day)
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