Learning To Love You More




Assignment #14
Write your life story in less than a day.

Toronto, Ontario CANADA



I was born on a hot Summer day, August 8, 1984 in China. It was the year China won the women volleyball game (Olympic) and the whole city was celebrating. I was born amidst all the excitement.
When I was 1, I had my first laser surgery to remove a mass from my forehead. I still have a scar to show. When I was 4, I banged my head against a piano and I was stitched up. When I was 5, I fell down two flights of stairs and my aunt found me in a puddle of blood, unconscious. I got 29 stitches and I was sent home. Then when I was 6, a metal bed fell on my head and as I lied bleeding in my mom's arms, I told her I love her and I am sorry I have to die early. I didn't die. Just more stitches.
My dad left me when I was 6. He didn't leave because he didn't love us, he was coming over to Canada as a refugee. I did not see my father again until I was 12. We were reunited in Canada 6 years later.
When I was in grade 4, it was when I first realized I am gay. I fell in love with this girl who sat beside me everyday. She was beautiful, smart and she broke my heart. I followed her like a little puppy and I guess I freaked her out. I protected her from class bullies, I would punch out guys that would tease her. To this day, I still have a picture of her in my childhood album. To me, she signifies a turning point in my life.
When I was in grade 6, I moved to Canada. Brave new world. However, it was the most painful year of my life. I was shunned and bullied by the entire school because I was the only Chinese girl in the school. There were many people from HK, but this is before 1997 and they were still "British". I was miserable in school and when I went home, I lied to my parents about how wonderful school was. My mom was pregnant with my little sister and I didn't want her to worry. I didn't want her to know. It was also the year where I stopped telling her about my life.
When I was in grade 7, I finally made some friends. I started hanging out with them and I started smoking. It was a cool thing to do. I eventually stopped.
Then came high school. I have this wonderful guy friend named RC. We became incredibly close and I thought I loved him. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I thought I am finally not gay anymore. We are still friends now.......
First year university: I became depressed. I didn't understand what was happening to me and I cut myself off from everyone. Then my grandpa passed away and it was a devastating blow. I remembered I cried myself to sleep every night.
Second and third year of university flew by without any big changes in my life. I was single, alone and strangely satisfied that I didn't have a guy in my life. Then came the last year of university and my world came crashing down.
It all started with a movie, Black Dahlia. I went with my roommates to see that movie and Mia Kirshner stunned me beyond words. I was completely dismantled. She and her beautiful eyes penetrated my steel walls. Something inside me was awoken.
After that movie, I googled Mia Kirshner and it led me to the L word. I downloaded the first episode and I watched it. I had a complete and total nervous breakdown. I sobbed and sobbed, I am gay. I am gay. I am gay. I am a lesbian.
My depression got worse after that and one night I almost ended it all. I had a bottle of vodka and a bottle of Tylenol. I turned on my computer to write a letter and Shane on my wallpaper was staring at me. I thought, how can I go out of this world without ever experiencing love?
After that night, I started coming out to some friends, I started seeing a therapist and I went to the gay formal. One thing lead to another, and then I met my first love, SM.
It was four months before I have to leave for Montreal for graduate school. We fell madly in love. It was the most amazing summer of my life. It was also the summer where my parents found out about my homosexuality. Hell broke loose for a while. My cousin outed me to my mom that I was dating someone white. She assumed it was a white guy. I still remember her expression when I said, no I am dating a white girl. My dad refused to speak to me for two days and he finished all the wine in the wine cabinet that weekend. Then surprisingly, he came around. He started asking questions and then he said, "The society will always have a problem with you being gay. You have to know how to protect yourself. We'll be behind you all the way."
My one and a half year relationship with SM just ended. Long distance relationship was just too hard to maintain. She fell in love with another girl. All of a sudden, she's no longer mine. I am single again.
I am starting to date again but everywhere I go, she's still in my heart. It was hard to forget about her. She was my first love, my first woman.
I am about to graduate from my clinical program and I will be a speech language pathologist soon. I know my life is just starting. My life journey so far has been rough. Dealing with racism and homophobia has scarred me for life, it has burnt a mark on me. But I think I will be okay. Maybe one year from now, ten years from now, I'll be okay. Free of depression and perhaps in love, I can look back on these memories and say, I am okay now.