ASSIGNMENTS:
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Claud
California, USA
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REPORTS:
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I was born the youngest of 7 kids. I grew up pretty normal with a mom, dad, 3 older brothers and 3 older sisters. Sister #3 was my best friend and hero growing up. We were pretty sheltered as kids and always were together. My best friends growing up were David and Kimmie. My mom always hated Kimmie because she could go and do stuff like ride her bike places and play at other people's houses. I wasn't allowed to do things like that. I grew up in front of the TV. While the knowledge gained from TV in my formative years makes me a great party guest, it also gave me a sedentary lifestyle which led me (off and on) to be fat.
My world was torn apart when I was 13. My dad died of cancer. It happened so fast. One night all the older brothers and sisters sat down with my mom in the family room and talked about it. It must have been right when they found out about it. Me and sister #3 were too young to be in their discussion, I guess. But, being the nosy kid I snuck out of my room and went to eavesdrop by the door. I overheard what they were talking about and ran back to our room crying and hiding in the closet saying over and over "what if he dies? what if he dies?" Well, he died. His last words to me were I love you and mine were the same. That makes me feel good. I was the ultimate Daddy's girl, spoiled and adored. This was the end of the world as I knew it.
I spent my teen years drinking til i couldn't feel feelings. I slept with any boy that showed interest in me. I was kicked out of high school for absenteeism. In the midst of all the high school turmoil, I met a boy who changed my life. He actually loved me. ME! I thought I was unlovable. Those years made me who I am today. We spent every waking moment together going to concerts, indie movies and art exhibits. I was a crazy alcoholic and he was a beautiful boy with bi-polar disorder that continually went undiagnosed and untreated. We were each other's crutch. I spent close to 10 years with him. I never lost my taste for the booze. We would get in knockdown, drag-out fights and I would always come out swinging. I was a horrible girlfriend. I was abusive and mean and a dirty rotten cheater. He caught me on a few occasions and he still stayed with me. Poor guy. He was the love of my life and I will never ever forget him or forgive myself for how I treated him. He always said I was stronger than him, but at least he was strong enough to break up with me and hopefully get healthy.
Single life in my late 20's was short lived but awesome. I reconnected with an old work friend who was going thru a breakup as well and we bonded over bands, booze and heartache. We eventually moved in together and I was living the rock n roll life I always wanted. Then I met love of my life #2. I didn't want a boyfriend. I was having too much fun going to shows and hooking up with random boys. But, he got me. He wasn't even that cute when I met him. He was chubby and had a lame haircut. But he was so sexy covered in tattoos and confidence. We dated for a year before he broke up with me for being a crazy drunk (like he had room to talk). We got back together. Then a few months later, he asked me to marry him. We waited a year before we got married, then took the plunge. It was good for a while, then it wasn't. I had doubts that I never said out loud for a while. I'm old school. I was married for life. He wasn't. We had one last fight and he was gone.
I am now putting the pieces of me back together. All I can say is that at least this time, I know there is light at the end of the tunnel and I will make it through this. At least this time I'm not starting from zero. I have friends this time and I am way more open to talking and asking for help. This time I didn't lose myself in the relationship. I am proud that I at least learned one thing this time around.
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